Dear Friends and Family,

 I am so numb with sorrow.  I am so tired.  Now I am feeling why missionaries need to take a break.  I feel like so many are suffering here.  So many are dying.  I have no idea how Olen and Danae or James and Sarah can come face to face with death everyday at the hospital.    Yesterday I had a lady come to my door with a little baby girl about 8 months old.  But for some reason I became quickly attached I don't know if it was the remainder feelings from what happened to baby Adam or what.  She needed help with paying for the hospital to help her baby. She walked 8 miles to get here.  I had a couple people help me educate her about things that I just go nuts over that they are fooled into believing.  First of all the problem for her baby could have easily been treated if she came earlier but they always wait till it is almost too late to help them.  I'm not a doctor but was pretty sure her baby had parasites in her stomach, it was extended and she had blood in her stool, a lot.  She took her to a traditional healer and he took a razor and cut her stomach maybe 8-10 places to, what they say, get the bad blood out.  I explained to her that it does nothing and if she can help her friends to know this and don't let those they love go to people like this because now not only does she have blood in her stool but now her body has to fight to keep these cuts from becoming infected.  Then I taught her about the water and how to boil it to make it clean for the babies for they are so little sometimes their bodies can not fight against the stuff that is in it.  The baby's tongue was white and so was inside her eyes.  I figured that she probably had malaria too and would need blood right away.  After all this I sent her to the hospital with one of my papers that says that anything she needs for this child we will pay for.    This is the stomach of the child.    Hours passed and I couldn't stop thinking about this baby.  So it was getting dark and I made my way over to the hospital to see what was going on with her.  I knew too that she had nothing with her and would need help with things and food if they were admitted.  I found her outside the pediatrics ward waiting for a nurse to start an IV of quinine and glucose.  I was concerned though that no one tested her for her blood.  I had her follow me over to the lab where we were lucky to find someone in there after hours.  I also got a nurse to fill out the paper to test her blood count.  It was 3.3 which is super low.  The mother was the same blood type but I insisted that we give her other blood because the mother walked all morning to get here and has not had any food or water and there could be a possibility she would pass out. She already looked exhausted.  We got one bag from the blood bank and the mother would come back the next morning and give another.  So I ran home and got her some food and a water bottle and a piece of material to lay down on.  I got her all settled for the night and prayed for the baby.  I also went over to Danae and Olen's house to ask them if everything we are doing is all that we can do.    The next morning I got a text from Olen that said "the baby will die in the next hour."  I asked Cory to go and pick up Naomi with the motorcycle cause she was walking here to work but I wanted her to talk to the mother for me since she only spoke Nangjere.  I felt terrible and just didn't want this mother to be alone at a time like this.    When Naomi and I got over to the hospital the baby was breathing very slow, maybe a deep breath in every 6-8 seconds.  She was gasping for air.  The mother had lost two other babies and knew her baby was dying. It was so sad.  Naomi and I went and got a basin of warm water and brought it over to the hospital and washed the baby and put a pretty little dress on that a lady made from a church in the states.  We gave the mother some time to clean herself up and just walk away for a few minutes and get some fresh air.  I brought her some more food and we stayed over at the pediatrics for most of the day.  In between our time with this lady and her child we went around and visited each child in the hospital.  We handed out stuffed animals and little cars and stickers.  We tried to do what we could to cheer some of them up.  There was one child in there though that cried I think the entire day.  This little kid was maybe four or five years old and has a really bad burn on most of his body.  It was hard to see this child suffer too as you could see him trying to breath threw a constant pain.    We came back to the house for a while to get a few other things done and as 5 pm came around Naomi decided to leave.  She doesn't normally stay that late but she didn't want the lady to be alone either.  After walking Naomi to the gate and saying our goodbyes I started to walk back to our house.  Many people from the hospital were calling my name.  The baby died!  I ran back toward the gate and told our guard Mahamat to stop Naomi and she of course came running right back.    We ran to the hospital and cried with the mother.  I took the lifeless body into my arms.  Tears just flowed down my cheeks.  So sad!  I walked her to my house and Naomi turned in the extra medication.  When I got to my house the mother asked me to change her baby's clothes.  This was awful.  I had the worst time ever trying to change the clothes on this lifeless baby.  I hated it.  But I did it for her.  I just wished I had a good ending to the story.  I guess the good ending will have to be in heaven when we get there.  I am so glad we have that hope.    Naomi being the giving of herself woman that she is said that she would ride on the taxi motorcycle with her to her village so she would not have to be alone.  When they left I went into the bathroom and took off my dirty clothes from the day.  I took a long shower as I tried to wash the tears from my eyes.  Wash the death from my body.  I feel like I have had enough.   I am sorry that I don't have good and great things to write about from this place.  But, really, the bottom line is that there is suffering in this world.  Sometimes we sit in our comfortable homes and have an illusion that this world is not so bad, but in many places it is.  I am confronted with the suffering of someone everyday.  Life is so fragile here.  It is scary loving people here.  I have not been sleeping very well lately.  I am feeling like a break is what I need.  I guess God knows what we need and He can help provide it.  I just have to stay focused on what He wants from us right now.  Just continue to pray for us.  I think we are in a few dark days right now.  I feel selfish even feeling bad when I know the Appels are going through things I can't even imagine.  Thank you to everyone and their emails to us or to the Appels. It has been wonderful to feel God's love from all over the world.  Have a happy sabbath!